Enough for now.
This heart is enormous. It can drive this wreck and it can drown the unwary but:
"and my liver may be fucked,
but my heart is honest,
and my word is true"
If it doesn't get the chance to sound that final clarion call then I know where I am taking this man and it is not an end to this story but it is not the story I want to write for the next 30 years.
I need to show respect now and let her see what, if anything, remains and equally I need to kill that demon and see it buried before it can harm again.
I hear everything you say, I listen carefully to it. I understand even the parts I don't want to hear and accept them without judgement, ever.
But please, don't ask me not to fight.
You powered a heart, a life.
I know it was a drive that could run this engine for a lifetime.
Said my piece, I might write again in weeks to come, I don't know.
The drive isn't there right now and that light might be switched off for good but a man does not lay down and surrender for something he believes in until it is lost beyond redemption.
And I am a man.
Yes, all of the above.
Oh I'm expecting a catastrophic fall, might even be in the process of one right now but I know there will be at least one more life in this one. Crammed a lot into it so far and have every intent of cramming in a lot more :)
I just wonder which life it will be of the possibilities in front of me.
I wear myself out too, often yes.
Remember the advert years ago with all the bouncy balls falling down the hill in SF?
That's how it feels.
Stood at the top with 1 of them in my hand and it near burning to hold, made so much to fit my palm.
But behind me, a 16 wheeler filled to the top with more and poised ready to let them all fall down the hill and in doing so, the one I want so much to be swept away in the deluge, lost.
I'm not used to feeling as if I have no control over the future at all. It's a very different feeling not having that choice of control.
Not like the past where I willingly gave it up to chance, quite the opposite when the choice is not yours in the first place.
Ah shit, just felt that down again.
That's how fast they come now.
No warning, just bang, back on the ground.
It's like being shot down with flak guns.
Mayday, bingo ammo, lead on fire and going down.
We aren't supposed to stand on the ground, we're supposed to skim it like albatrosses out at sea. Choosing occasionally to dip a wing tip into the water but only so we know how incredible it feels to be in the air.
Standing at a crossroads right now quite literally. The roads ahead are all good and I'm not here with tredipation so much as a simple lack of knowing which way the engine will take me.
It decides where, I'm more of an interested observer currently!
I know I've let michael guide me many times and always held contempt for mick but the truth is mick saved me many times because where michael falls sometimes... you'd need length of lead pipe to keep mick down.
Unfortunately that is because he has no emotional attachments to anyone, including me. He saves me because he needs me as a vehicle.
I'm no schizephrene.
Mick enjoys life completely, life is very fast with mick and never dull for a second. Feels like sparks come from your eyes at times. Feels like you will never stop .A heart of stone but, because of this, indestructible.
Michael knows the other part, the bit missed out. Love, powerfully strong and passionate. Scarey at times but without a doubt the only time you feel true joy, passion, home.
SO what are the possibilities and wtf is the reason for writing this?
Michael finally redressing the balance in this man's life and not just there to face the aftermath of mick's whirlwind.
Mick off the rails and laughing forever. Never giving a fuck and never looking back.
This other dude who simply shuts down all of the emotional side of life and 'settles' for something not happiness but contentment which is close enough maybe?
These aren't choices.
They are all just possibilities and one of them I have completely no say in whatsoever.
Watch this space I guess.
Sunday lunch rambling.
10 days to getting off the coaster most likely!
Going to be tough explaining to the guy at the gate how come I rode it for 35 years on 1 ticket ;)
"I am a few years older now and I know this: There are tastes of mouths I could not have lived without; there are times I’ve pretended it was just about the sex because I couldn’t stand the way my heart was about to burst with happiness and awe and I couldn’t be that vulnerable, not again, not with this one. That waiting to have someone’s stolen seconds can burn you alive. That the shittiest thing you can do in the world is lie to someone you love; also that there are certain times you have no other choice – not honoring this fascination, this car crash of desire, is also a lie. [cliché]That there is power in having someone risk everything for you. That there is nothing more frightening than being willing to take this freefall. That it is not as simple as we were always promised. Love – at least the pair-bonded, prescribed love – does not conquer all."
Let's get this out there - Daphne Gottlieb
A work colleague asked me today, what's the difference?
They are very similar in many ways I guess. Both can cause 'irrational' behaviour, both can be drives, both can cause extremes of emotion but I think I "get" the difference.
My passions are the elements I live for. They cannot be taken away by anyone, they are simply the things that make me, the ways I choose to live, the causes I will stand for and the even unfulfilled, they remain strong, burning within.
Obsessions however can be taken away, denied, fixate to the point of inability to function. I know those feelings too, the madness and the near feral nature they provoked in me. Obsessions almost cost me my work, family and health years ago.
I am obsessed by nothing any more, passionate about many things.
Obsession comes from the head, passion from the soul.
I make mistakes at times.
I guess they aren't so much errors as I know they are not my best choices before I get into them and after all, they're still more stories to add to the life right?
So I got involved with a trainwreck again some months back.
I KNOW! yes, I know they nearly always are and I know just as well that i'm only one step away from being one myself at times.
Something draws me. I think it's to see if they could be another one of those spectacular fireworks I have met twice before and not just a house fire waiting to happen.
Too intense and never the random highs that compensate for the lows, just a downward spiral right from the get go with me holding on to the edges lest I spiral down with her.
In my defence I tried.. I tried to show her there are moments of serenity and moments to bathe in the magnificent sunlight as well but I know I am no doctor, no healer ofsome wounds that stretch too deep and I know I am not the best one for such to be around as I career off the rails when the mood takes me. Liable to do more harm than good sometimes aye.
So I let her go and weathered the backlash, the wreckage.
A few months have passed and I have swept up the debris, repaired the damage to the flat and I'm back on the road.
Things to do different this time:
I'll fill this list in, if I ever work out what to write in it.
Hard to change when, you know.. maybe the next is another roman candle.
I slept last night.
Christ it felt good to spend a day off the coaster and actually completing some of the tasks I set myself...
6 years she's been off the road under tarps this one. Well tarps when the winds weren't high... exposed to the rain and gales when it was...
She's a hell of a project I know and no small drain on cash but the little un is just too small for the miles ahead so I'm determined. She's going back on the road.
I need to have more nights where I crawl into the sack before midnight, maybe tonight... maybe.
The problem is the small death, the absence of life, the hours stolen. That's how it feels. So much to do, so little time.
Summer will be here before I know it and that guy on the big red (maybe dark green soon) triple with the grin you can see even through his helmet? That'll be me again.
Lot of places to go this year, some unbelievable people to meet.
Two wheels moving the soul.
I don't know or care why.
I have no desire to understand because I accept it without judgement as part of what makes me.
This need to fight and, in fighting, to be complete.
The roller coaster drags me along the tracks and when it plummets it seems there will be no end to the fall, no peace, no reason to hang on with bloodied knuckles and broken limbs but my grip never breaks; the cold steel under my hands feels smooth, pure.
Some days, those rare sun filled times, the coaster climbs high as if it will never stop. The chains clack and the car lurches to glide along silently. The world stretched out below, supplicant and mine. The wind cooling and the heat baking into my face.
Then that familiar pause before again we tip, I and those who ride the dipper beside me breathe in sharply with anticipation. Soon we will race once more towards the ground but...
...In the red corner I stand, gloves raised and a grin a mile wide.
Make sure it's your best shot.
Mine will be.
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Having no real artistic talents worth even muttering about I'd always looked at graffiti artists with a kind of awe; regarding their works as almost mystical.
Then a fire swept through this flat and cracked the roof over my head letting in the daylight.
As Banksy might say...
"I got home at last and crawled into bed next to my girlfriend. I told her I'd had an epiphany that night and she told me to 'stop taking that drug 'cos it's bad for your heart"
Now I wonder if those 60 year old iron ladders will hold my weight while I get up there...
Only 1 way to find out :)
Punk rock love is her drawing on you. Her sleeping on your back. Her being mad at you for being such a jerk. You waiting in the doorway for hours hoping she might pass by. Even in the snow. Her singing along with Descendents records over the air on her late night radio show. Her picture on the front page of the morning paper, getting arrested. Her borrowing your favorite black hat and never giving it back. Punk rock love is finding a girl who drinks as much coffee as you do. Going into the cafe where she works and she looks up and smiles and doesn’t notice as she tips over a pile of 50 dishes. They hit the floor one by one and when it’s all done everyone in the cafe applauds and you both turn beet red.
Excerpt from 'Punk Rock Love' -Aaron Cometbus 1992
And sometimes it seems, that even without looking, you stumble, slip from your wire and fall, fall so very far.
I hope I fall forever.
Sometimes you walk by the good ones
'Cos you're trying to hard, too hard to see them
And sometimes you don't find the right lines
'Cos you're trying too hard, too hard to hear them
But you know what it feels like
'Cos you're like me
And you won't give up
'Till an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me
Some days you're too set in your ways
And you forget to shut up, shut up and listen
And some days you just have to misplace all your mistakes
Somewhere that you won't miss them
So stop lying that you're fine
'Cos you're like me
And you can't give up
'Till an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me
I don't believe that it's a failing
I don't believe that it's a fault
'Cos if everything were plain sailing
Oh tell me what would there be left to exault
Soaring so high Icarus is but a speck below my wings that stretch 2000 miles.
Previous PostsEnough writing., posted May 5th, 2013
Worried, nervous, excited., posted May 5th, 2013
This is not schizophrenia., posted May 5th, 2013
Honesty, posted November 4th, 2012
Obsession and Passion., posted October 8th, 2012
Roman candles and house fires., posted September 20th, 2012, 1 comment
Asleep at the wheel., posted January 25th, 2012
And in the red corner., posted January 21st, 2012, 1 comment
Hope, eternal *****., posted January 19th, 2012
Urban art - inspiration by fire, posted October 7th, 2011, 1 comment
Punk Rock Love, posted October 3rd, 2011, 2 comments
An Angeleno flame., posted September 27th, 2011, 1 comment
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